Shake and Spill
by Yessica-N
Summary: Sometimes, he goes to the park to pick up girls. This is not one of those times. (Part 4 of "Hey, wasn't our exit 10 miles ago?")


**Warnings: interrupted suicide attempt.**

* * *

He watches as the water swirls below.

The iron railing feels cold against his hands, grounding him. He holds it tight enough that his knuckles turn white from the intensity.

He knows the water is pretty deep. He has seen Jyushimatsu swimming down this river on multiple occasions.

And if it's deep enough to swim in, Karamatsu figures it must be deep enough to drown in too.

It's warm, the sun beating down upon the city from a cloudless, blue sky. He's wearing his leather jacket, earning him quite a few stares on the way over.

But it's a heavy garment, and it will aid his descend to the bottom.

He's wearing his boots as well, and while Karamatsu loathes the thought that they will probably be completely ruined by the murky waters, he's hoping they too will make him sink faster.

Despite that, just to be safe...

He steps back a bit, letting go reluctantly and digging a hand into his pocket.

He hates having to steal from his mother. He hates it, but he's been doing it for years now and wouldn't know how to stop himself.

Soon, it won't be an issue anymore.

The bottle is completely full, a hundred tiny white pills in an orange plastic container.

They're probably enough to kill a man by themselves, but Karamatsu wants to make sure.

He's read the horror stories of hospital visits and pumped stomachs on the internet. He wants to be certain his will not be a failed attempt.

He would only end up being an even greater inconvenience to his brothers. Even more of a failure in their eyes.

He's just doing what they've always asked of him.

Besides, there is a certain romantic element to be considered as well. Drowning is the most poetic death he can think of.

Like Ophelia, pulled beneath the cold surface of the current, gone without a trace yet oddly lingering, never to return to the land of the corporal but in spirit.

Karamatsu couldn't think of a more fitting end.

He wonders how long it will take for his brothers to notice. He failed to leave a note behind.

There is nothing more to say.

He hears the sound of shuffling feet behind him and he stills, leaning onto the railing in what he deems to be a nonchalant matter, but probably looks forced to whomever is watching.

The two girls pass him by without much notice, throwing a confused glance over their shoulders at his decidedly awkward pose and attire, but not bothering with him any further.

Karamatsu darts his eyes around, but can't see anybody else in close vicinity.

The upside of being a NEET is having all the time in the world to commit suicide, while normal people are busy with normal life.

Nobody to reckon themselves a hero and attempt some valorous rescue.

He tips the bottle sideways, upending an entire handful of pills in his palm. Karamatsu won't bother counting them. He's intending to take them all anyway.

That should be enough.

Enough to make his head feel like it's stuffed full of cotton and render his limbs entirely useless. Enough so that there's no brain function left to walk, let alone keep himself afloat in the ice cold water.

And then, he's going for a little swim.

He stares at the water some more, heartbeat hammering away.

Minutes pass, and Karamatsu begins to wonder if it's hesitance that makes his pulse quicken, fingers curled loosely around the medicine.

Is he sure he wants to do this?

But the thrill is not anxiety, rather excitement coursing through him. Not reluctance, but anticipation.

He braces his feet against the bottom of the railing, holding it with his free hand while he moves the other towards his mouth, ready to-

"Karamatsu?"

The exclamation startles him and he jumps violently. The pills tumble out of his hand, most of them disappearing into the dark water beneath, some clattering against the hard concrete of the bridge first.

A few stray ones remain there, and Karamatsu tries to push them off with his foot as well, as he turns to face his brother, praying to all gods out there that Osomatsu didn't notice.

"Karamatsu, what are you doing here?" His only older sibling is strolling towards him with a casual air, hands buried deep down the pockets of his trademark red hoodie and shoulders slumped.

One corner of his mouth is pulled up in a small grin, an expression that betrays the elder was feeling bored, but is now relieved to have found some suitable distraction.

For the first time ever, Karamatsu genuinely wishes Osomatsu would just fuck off.

"I'm doing nothing, _brother_." He goes to adjust his jacket, but stops at the sound of the half-empty pill bottle rattling in his pockets. He finishes the movement in an awkward brushing motion instead. "I'm always on the lookout for Karamatsu Girls."

He flashes his best approximation of a smile, but Osomatsu looks unconvinced. Karamatsu supposes the fact that the park is clearly deserted probably does not work in his favor right now.

Damn it! If he hadn't been such an idiot spacing out earlier, he would have been dead half an hour ago and this wouldn't be happening.

"Right-" Osomatsu says the word slowly, skepticism barely concealed by the way it rolls of his tongue. "You weren't doing anything stupid, were you?"

Karamatsu opens and closes his mouth repeatedly, but a coherent sentence fails to come out.

He is so good at pretending he's fine. He's been doing it for years, fooling everyone, but now he suddenly feels helpless, like air refuses to enter his lungs. Drowning on dry land, and the irony doesn't escape him.

Osomatsu laughs out loud then, and the sound actually startles him. "I'm just kidding, of course you are."

Karamatsu wouldn't even know how to respond to that, when his brother half-grabs his arm. "Come on, let's get out of here. I got some money for pachinko."

He let's himself be dragged along almost automatically, even as his mouth opens to protest. This is his chance. If he can get Osomatsu to leave for the casino without him, he'll finally be alone to-

"Osomatsu, I don't really feel like-" The words die down in his throat.

His brother has stopped walking, but doesn't let go. The sparks of amusement in his eyes are gone, suddenly looking dead serious.

"Kara. We're going now." His voice is hard in a way it usually never is. "Before you **really** do something stupid."

His mouth feels dry, swallowing useless and trying not to choke. "Y-Yes, aniki."

Osomatsu smiles at him as they resume walking.

Karamatsu doesn't go back to that bridge for a few weeks at least.


End file.
